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man alive, suck a llama's balls.....

contrary or perhaps aptly described by the title of this entry, shit's gonna get serious. i haven't really used this journal as an escape or for useful things in years; i also quit writing in my handwritten journal, which perhaps is the bigger problem. at any rate, it's been a long while since i just got shit out. so here it goes.

i cried because:

i miss the physicist (a song triggered this and then it was a waterfall from there on out)
the boat engineer loves me too much
i don't think we will ever love each other equally
i am a horrible friend/daughter/sister/person who doesn't keep in touch
all the songs are just too beautiful and i don't understand how there can be so much beauty in this world about sad things
i miss rachel
i think other friends are reacting too much to someone they didn't actually care about
i'm a horrible person for making that judgement
i can't get over the hurt that happened to me over a decade ago
i can't get over the hurt my family has inflicted on me
i can't write music as beautifully as other people
my hurt can be put so eloquently by others
i gave up burlesque
i hate humanity
i need humanity
walking home in the weird misty beauty of boston made me fearful and full of joy at the same time
i was afraid of getting raped/mugged/accosted on my walk home
i shouldn't fear a walk in boston if i want to walk the road to santiago
i forgot all the things i was thinking about that made me want to cry
there is shame in talking about the things that make you cry
sometimes you just need to get the tears out, and that doesn't mean you're always sad
i think i always need to cry
i think i'm happy sometimes
i think i will forever be sad
doma was struck down and people deserve to love and be with those they love
a majority of my friends support gay marriage
i don't think i deserve to be loved
i don't think i am capable of love
i had a customer who had no compunction about talking about his stage 4 cancer
i didn't know if he was lying or not
he has cancer
i thought i had to pay him more attention than others
i felt bad about wondering that
i'm not a runner and won't run his charity run
my aunt died of cancer and i didn't know if talking about how long she battled it would be ok or not
i just miss her and am sad she died at all
i have cervical cancer and dont' have health insurance to deal with it
i feel embarrassed about admitting that
i'm a woman
i'm a woman who has to deal with sexual harassment as part of "good customer service"
i work with men who don't understand the predicament of the above situation
i can't just tell men what the fuck is up
i have to fight political battles to protect my reproductive rights
i can't remember if i already talked about being afraid of getting raped just because i'm a woman
a customer jokes about stalking me and i have to seriously consider if that might happen
the cat ran away from me every time i walked by her
the boat engineer was asleep and wouldn't know if i made it home safe
sitting on the stoop listening to music was so uplifting
some asshole car kept driving by and made me feel i needed to go inside
i had some great burlesque ideas tonight
i don't know if those ideas were inspired by shitty dudes in my life or in spite of them
i'm not a model
i feel like i need to be one to be attractive
i'm aging
i feel bad about aging
i hate my birthday
the impending doom of it makes me feel unloved and cranky-pants
i still want people to do something and make a big fucking deal of it
ted leo, m ward and mirah are just so fucking awesome and good at what they do
the bruins lost
boston media thinks a murderous asshole football player is more important news than the supreme court declaring doma unconstitutional
i miss working at my old job
i don't know what i'm going to do with the rest of my life
i can't admit/talk to people about all this i'm putting down
the world is fucked
the world is full of beauty, so much that i can't even fathom it all
somehow i have neglected many of the things that make me happy
i don't feel free to be myself and do the things that really bring me joy

i'm sure there was a multitude of other things that made me cry, but that's a pretty good list. and i feel damn good for getting it out.


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February 2014