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it goes on and on and on and on

another year, another bunch of stuff that remained the same.
+ what did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?:
um got fired twice in a year? had enough money to make it through my unemployment. drove from florida to mass. saw the grand canyon in person.
+ did anyone close to you give birth?:. katy (isaac edward 3/22) bob and erin (andrew jackson), emily (sadie grace 5/5), kayleen (layla and aurora 5/23), ben and eva (annsley june 8/15), dennis and sabrina (sophia), grant (mason antonio carter 3/5), courtney (margot ines 11/16), primus and kev (aubree miguel 11/25), jon and bridget (patrick daniel 12/24), cyrus and erika (sydney may). i think that's it, but i could have missed one. there were a few that came at the last minute!
+ did anyone you know get married?: buzz and amy (3/12), bryan and jessica (6/8), cadio! (8/24) becca and xander got engaged!
+ did anyone close to you die?: tc (1/16)
+ what places did you visit?: florida, vermont, newport, ri, maine, maryland, pennsylvania arizona soon, colorado soon. drove through ga, sc, nc, va, nj, ny, ct. oof.
+ what would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?: a happy, steady employment where i feel valued and that i add value to my place of work. organizational skills.
+ what date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory?: patriots day, bruins playoffs, red sox world series win
+ what was your biggest achievement of the year?: not slitting my wrists.... but more seriously, sort of tackling the house, making it to kickball, sort of saving money that i then had to use.
+ what was your biggest failure?: not slitting my wrists..... ok, not being organized enough and letting my vices get the better of me. doing anything on my 101 list.
+ did you suffer illness or injury?: i broke my finger on the fourth of july :(
+ what was the best thing you bought?: bottega veneta shoes! my motox
+ whose behavior merited celebration?: i'm sure there was someone, but i felt pretty lonely this year. the boat engineer sort of got his shit together, so there's that.
+ whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?: my employers. congress (national/michigan/texas). humanity. the nfl.
+ where did most of your money go?: being unemployed. bills. rent.
+ what did you get really, really, really excited about?: that's a good question. party planning perhaps? winning the summer ivy championship, despite not playing due to my broken finger.
+ what song[s] will always remind you of 2013?: margot and the nuclear so and sos' broadripple is burning, every amy winehouse song, city and colour's the girl.

+ compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter. my pants don't fit. seems like the trend is continuing from year to year.
iii. richer or poorer? pooooorer.

+ what do you wish you'd done more of: focusing on what's going to make me happy (or at least life bearable) long term. probably exercising, as usual. perhaps getting my shit together. working on the 101 list.
+ what do you wish you'd done less of?: drinking, sleeping, being sad, being angry. pattern of my life.
+ how will you be spending the holidays?: md was thanksgiving. a bit before xmas in az, then in co with the fam.
+ how will you be spending new years?: at a house partee. should be fun.
+ did you fall in love in 2013?: already there.
+ how many one night stands?: nope, that'd be bad.
+ what was your favorite TV program?: revenge. sleepy hallow.
+ do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: probably.
+ do you like anyone now that you hated this time last year?: probably not.
+ what was the best book you read?: life after life, the count of monte cristo, madame bovary, sort of like a rock star.
+ what was your greatest musical discovery?: margot and the nuclear so and sos, city and colour, dr. dog - heart it races cover
+ what did you want and get?: the boat engineer to get a job. sox tickets.
+ what did you want and not get?: a happy life. motivation.
+ what was your favorite film of this year?: didn't see anything new.....
+ what did you do on your birthday?: had an awesome dinner at lolita cocina
+ what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: independent wealth? ok, ok just a job i really liked.
+ how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?: skinny jeans, boots/sperrys, tank top/tshirt.
+ what kept you sane?: ramen
+ which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: um jake gyllenhaal?
+ what political issue stirred you the most?: i hate to say it like this, but it's kind of what it feels like, so: the war on women's rights
+ who did you miss?: becca. the msex crew a bit. old mayhem.
+ who was the best new person you met?: i guess i secluded myself a bit, or there was no truly outstanding person because i can't think of anyone in particular. so i will just say bananas as a whole.
+ tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013: fuck 'em. i guess i have learned how selfish and deceitful people can be (or perhaps just relearned it since i had forgotten). somehow this year felt like i was back in high school or something, and i really just can't handle that. perhaps that's why i withdrew so much.
+ quote a song lyric that sums up your year: don't fucking move/ 'cause everything you thought you had will go to shit/ we've got a lot/ don't you dare forget that/ and i'm wasted/ you can taste it/ don't look at me that way/ 'cause i'll be hanging from a rope

i wish i would have cataloged the year better. i don't think i felt this shitty for the entirety of the year but the end was tough for sure. and it's hard to remember the good times. i feel like i acted out a lot. i'm angry about a lot of things. i didn't feel respected or valued at either place i worked. i have been reevaluating a lot of my friendships/relationships. i pretty much want to give up on everyone and everything. i guess it just felt like an arduous year, full of too many struggles. i just want to feel home and secure already. maybe next year will be better. but probably not.

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February 2014